A few month’s back I was having a conversation with my friend and I pointed a couple and how the guy was with a girl way out of his league and that gives us guys hope. To this, my friend reacted by telling me something that I thought was actually fascinating and something that more people should know about. My friend, who I’m sure doesn’t even remember this conversation, said to me that she doesn’t believe in the concept of leagues, rather, she believes in the concept of ‘difficulty to attain’. She said to me that the whole concept of league was rather shallow, based on looks, while the concept of ‘difficulty to attain’ is all about how hard you have to work to get that person, how much time and effort it is to obtain someone else’s attention.
How often have you found yourself saying something like, “She’s out of my league”, or “How is HE with HER?!” and other comments along those lines? I know there have been many times when I have said some of those things or heard them from my friends. Let’s examine the sentiment behind those statements shall we? That statement is usually derived based on looks. It is based on someone’s appearance – without knowing the person’s personality, their likes or their dislikes. It’s judging a book by it’s cover. As my friend said to me, that’s a very shallow thought to have. Without wanting to sound too rude, when we see a person that is rather attractive with another person who isn’t our definition of attractive we more often than not start thinking how those two ended up together. We reckon that one of them is reaching for someone outside their ‘league’ and the other person is settling for someone in a lower ‘league’. Why do we do that? Why can’t we just accept that maybe the two have a personality that matches and those two like spending time together? Why does everything have to have something to do with the way they look? I mean, the definition of what I find as beautiful or gorgeous may be different to what someone else finds good looking. So maybe, this whole definition of ‘leagues’ in terms of relationships and people needs to be re-examined.
Perhaps it’s time we realized that people are not out of our ‘leagues’, its’ just with some people we need to try harder and spend more time and effort than we might with others. Let’s be honest, everyone builds walls around themselves. These walls are our values, they are built to take us up higher. These walls are our strength, they are our confidence, and our independence. So when you look for someone to spend the rest of your life with, you don’t want them to break down these walls. You want that other person to climb up to that wall, instead of you breaking down your walls for them. When you break down your walls for someone, you never know who’s waiting for you on the other side. You don’t want to break down those walls to find someone who doesn’t respect you and your values only to have to build up those walls again. That’s why you want someone to climb up higher with you as you build those walls, and then to scale down to you. Why am I talking about walls though? The reason is, it perfectly ties in with the concept of how people shouldn’t be based on looks and ‘leagues’ but with the ‘difficulty to attain’ someone. How so? Well, the faster you are able to climb the walls of that person that you are interested in, the faster you will be able to start a relationship with that person, or ‘attain’ them. The speed at which you are able to climb up this wall of respect will depend not just on your looks, but mainly on your characteristics and on your own values. You could probably get up the first few layers of brick with your looks, but when it comes down to climbing up the rest of the wall – it has to do with your values and if they match the values of the person you are pursuing. That is why I believe this concept is a lot more realistic than the concept of ‘leagues’. The concept of leagues is purely based on how good you look and how good someone else looks. At the end of the day, if you are in a relationship based on just looks, is that not a very shallow thought?
When you end up being in a relationship with someone, sure, the looks has an initial part to play, but what it comes down to is compatibility. That compatibility has to do with how high you are willing to climb up the wall with the opposite person to get to know them. Sometimes you could take a long time to climb up because they value certain things so strongly that it’s not easy for you to climb up to that level. That is what it means when we are talking about difficulty to attain and the amount of time needed to attain someone. Sometimes, the climb up is a lot faster, perhaps because the values that they are searching for is exactly the sort of values that you have. Again, climbing that wall of respect that someone has built up around themselves has more to do with your values and respect than it does your looks. Sure your looks and attractiveness can give you that jump start to climb up the wall, but what determines your ability to get all the way to the top is what’s inside. Yes, it sounds cliché and it sounds cheesy but that’s the truth of the matter. When we see a couple together where one can be considered to be attractive and another not so attractive (again, I say this with no intentions to hurt anyone), the reason they are together is not based on their looks. It’s because the two of them were able to climb up to the walls of respect TOGETHER. Not only this, but to me this concept of difficulty of attainment is a much more realistic look at relationships. It shows that we need to work hard and put in an effort for any relationship to work. Often people forget that we need to put in an effort for something to work and they hope that it’ll just be…but that’s not the way it is. This concept makes us realize that we need to work for that relationship that we want.
What I’m trying to say, very inarticulately, is that we should forget this shallow idea of their being ‘leagues’. So next time you are out in the club and you see an attractive person, don’t say, “S/He is way out of my league!”, say, “I’m going to have to spend a long time to attain that person”, and go for it! Yes, you may have to spend a long time trying to climb up that person’s wall of value. Yes, you may see that person break down the base of their wall for someone, only to realize that person isn’t for them and to rebuild that base (all the while you are still trying to climb to the top). But eventually, if your values, your respects match each others then one day you’ll be able to get to the same heights as each other. You’ll be able to realize that what you want is for that person to help you grow that wall of value up higher, not break it down for you, and you will end up eventually with that person that you want to be with. Don’t shoot yourself down by saying ‘She’s out of my league’, if you want someone, and if you really want someone, take the commitment and the time needed to put in the effort to attain that person. I’m very thankful to my friend who showed me this side, and allowed me to see this, and I do hope that it’s something other people are able to understand and see as well. Because I know, if I really want someone, then no matter how long it takes I’m willing to cling on to that wall and climb for however long it takes. Unless of course that person tells me to get off their wall because they already are seeing someone! Anyways, I hope the point I’m trying to make has been communicated and come across. I understand people won’t fully agree with it, but I’d be interested to see what they do think of it.
As always, just before I sign out, here are some wise words and some food for thought! This isn’t from a book, or from someone famous, these are just some words that I read a couple of days ago and it’s kind of stuck with me. Plus, it goes perfectly with the topic of this blog so here it is, “Be with someone who won’t stay mad at you, who can’t stand not talking to you, and who’s afraid of losing you.” I’m sure some of you don’t agree with that quote, so feel free to let me know your feelings about this quote and this post in the comments below! Stay classy, people!